Archive for February, 2006
Funerals
For no other reason than it will otherwise continue gathering dust on my hard drive; below is the opening chapter to a book than will one day be completed. It needs a lot of work, and hasn’t been touched in at least 2 years, but enough excuses… The general plot is that a rich elderly relative dies, leaving no-one 100% sure who will receive the majority of her wealth. Each chapter is written from a character’s point of view, with the last chapter revealing the outcome. It’s kinda a dark comedy, attempting (and prob failing!) to illustrate human greed and cynicism.
Working title of the book is Funerals.
And so I sat down. The sofa dug in stubbornly to my arse, but no one else noticed. The uncomfortable feeling of being in someone else’s house. Rooms decorated and arranged to suit other’s tastes, with furniture ergonomically fitting to stranger’s bodies. One person’s home being another’s caravan holiday. Somewhere just about bearable enough to spend some time, but not homely enough to stay for any length. The unfamiliar brand names stared down from unfamiliar cupboards. The impractical crockery made the differences all the more noticeable. The cold living room stood around me, surrounding me, with shelves stacked with sentimental shit. The polished ugly plates peered downwards, reflecting the irritating ticks of the clock. That would be the first thing to go. It marked each second with a uniform tick, which appeared to get progressively louder. Too quiet to hear over conversation, but loud enough to make silence painful. And that is what we had now. Silence. It was broken up by meaningless small talk, but nonetheless it was essentially an uneasy atmosphere. Polite laughter blended in with the tired conversation, but no-one was under the illusion that anyone was interested. It was a weird situation. Ten relatives and me, gathered in a stuffy room, all wishing we were somewhere else. All thinking our own selfish thoughts, most of which were financially orientated. Who would scoop the jackpot? Would one lone person claim the prize? Would it result in several lucky ticket holders securing a equal share of the spoils? Or, more interestingly, would the recently deceased Mrs E Hunt’s will be shared out unfairly in controversial circumstances?
This was why I was here. Well, at least it was one of the reasons I was here. Ever since that misunderstanding a few months earlier, I had discovered happiness. It was sick, I grant you that, but it you couldn’t deny that it was morbidly fascinating. My casual observances of watching human greed in its purest form had evolved into a hobby. What I just got a kick out of initially had turned into something far more important. Although I had absolutely no control over the outcome, the events that were due to take place this evening still thrilled me. It had the same characters each time; they were always there, yet the twists remained just as unexpected and fresh. Often the most content were the most undeserved, the ones that had overachieved. The favourites could never win. If they got the lot, it was expected. If they earned less than they had counted on then they felt hard done by. And more often than not, this was the case. I merely observed this process.
The only way I can justify my actions is to attribute the blame on human nature. I can’t help being aroused, for the want of a better word, by other people’s suffering. Who hasn’t got excited at the distant sight of blue lights on a motorway, seducing you in for a closer look? Necks straining and eyes fixated on people standing roadside, next to their mangled wreck? Anyone that tells you that they didn’t enjoy, even for a split second, watching planes fly into buildings is a liar. Sure, it was terrible, I mean any life lost is a tragedy. Full stop. But it was exciting and fresh, it got the adrenaline pumping and the heart beating, the closest most people get to experiencing the thrills of an extreme sport. It was better than a film, the harsh and brutal reality of the unfolding drama made it all the more powerful.
I don’t know, maybe I’m different. Most people watch television game shows to see the elation on the victor’s face. I watch to see the losers try and mask their disappointment. “You might have lost the chance to win the brand new car, but never mind, because no-one goes home empty handed. You’ve won the Family Fortune tea cosy, complete with matching bobble”. Cue fake smiles, canned applause and speeding credits.
Where was I? Oh yes. The living room. Hmmmmmm. My eyes continued to rummage though the various possessions, which were temporarily ownerless. But that would soon change. The uniformly framed photos, sporting a thin layer of dust, sat on the mantelpiece. Past Christmas celebrations, memories of the irretrievable past. However, no one in the room cared about these. It was the same in most of the houses. Worthless objects, made valuable by sentiment, only to be made worthless once again by bereavement. By coincidence, this was often mirrored by the behaviour of the relatives. You would see it all of the time in the hospital; uncaring members of the public reluctantly making their way to a relative’s death bed, before feigning their love, only to bitch their way back to the foyer with the corpse yet to cool.
Thinking about it, that’s where the idea first appealed to me. The hospital.
Posted: February 18th, 2006 under Writing.
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Hmmmm… part 2
I’ve been woken up by someone at the door for the last 4 mornings. This is not a good thing. I’m sure my body has a certain time it needs to sleep, and any alterations to this schedule result in fucking it up… I’m gonna be feeling shit all day now… The guy is here to look at the boiler right now. He was supposed to be here on Monday, but never showed. Cheers for that.
Finally got a cheque off the freemasons, and a couple of other minor ones. Thats makes about 10% of what I’m owed… 
Turns out that the masons are a nice bunch of people after all, just one guy was a bit slack sorting me out with a cheque. His daughter’s got cancer so naturally his mind was elsewhere. Makes me feel a bit guilty really…
I know that I’m paid to do my job, and that the final website has to be to the client’s tastes, but it’s really frustrating when a client wants his site to look like a Microsoft Frontpage Express job… he wouldn’t take my advice, and there is no way that I’m gonna be putting a link back to my site from his. I’m ashamed to have “designed” it. Isn’t webdesign about being creative? I feel like a grubby back street designer, exchanging fees for delivering whatever the clients wants, no matter how disgusting… might not be too far from the truth judging by the way his wife kept on touching my knee when they came round…
Was lying in the bath last night and for some reason decided to try and compile a list of my favourite ten albums… it was a bit harder than I initially thought… if I’m only allowed one from each band, then it would be something like…
- Muse - Origin of Symmetry
- Nirvana - In Utero
- Queens of The Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
- Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever to Tell
- The Libertines - Up the Bracket
- Radiohead - The Bends
- System of a Down - Toxicity
- and this
- is where
- I’m stuck
I could easily add three of the following - The Strokes, The White Stripes, RHCP, Foos, Garbage, Interpol, Kings of Leon, Modest Mouse, Placebo, Ashcroft / The Verve, The Distillers, The Departure, plus probably a few more.
Have been trying to summon up the energy to enter this. Would be amazing to have some artwork printed on a snowboard. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t have much chance against the calibre of the other entrants, coming from a webdesign background, but it’s the kinda thing I enjoy, and need to do more of before these dull B&B websites suck the creative juices out of me.
Posted: February 18th, 2006 under Life.
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Hmmmm…
The last week hasn’t been great. I’m fed up with having to chase clients for money, and being made to feel guilty for doing so. I always pay bills on time, and expect others to do the same. They’re happy with my work, but I still have to threaten legal action in order to even get an indication that I might actually get paid, let alone a cheque, which will inevitably bounce.
I went out Fri night and had some guy I know hassle me all night because he is love with an ex-friend of mine. He told me this repeatedly in front of his current girlfriend. I was stuck in the middle and didn’t give a fuck about him or my ex-friend. I felt for his girlfriend, she’s not the nicest girl but she didn’t deserve that.
Turns out the ex-friend in question was spending the night shagging some guy I kinda know at a mate’s house. It’s bad enough having drunken sex on a stranger’s sofa, without their permission, with a random guy you don’t know.
It’s even worse when you decide to leave a used sanitary towel stuffed down the back of the sofa.
I honestly can’t believe I used to be friends with this girl, I appreciate she has a few problems, but there is no excuse for acting like that. For quite a while people used to think I was seeing her. Some still do. I’ve just deleted her number. I don’t want anything to do with her.
On Friday I heard that a guy I kinda knew through my old man has died. He was a friend of my dad’s, and led a pretty normal life until about 20 years ago when as far as I’m aware had a stroke, which left him mentally and physically disabled; he spent over two decades in a wheelchair. My dad used to take him out to the pub every Friday for years. He fell asleep with a cigarette, and died in the resulting fire. The poor guy lived such a tragic life, and I only hope he’s in a better place. It’s puts all the insignificant things in my life into perspective, trivial things like money and work really don’t matter. There are always people worse off than yourself. RIP Phil.
Posted: February 12th, 2006 under Life.
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Counting Chickens…
Looks like the owner-to-be of my house is interested in renting to me 
Met him yesterday, he seems cool, wants to put the rent up though… still it’s only £40 a month extra, plus I’m gonna get a housemate I reckon… spent over a year living alone, i do enjoy it, but it’s pointless chucking away over £800 pm just to stand still.
Ideally I’d want someone I don’t know to move in, it would be cool to meet a load of new people…
Missed the tax deadline the day before yesterday. Couldn’t find my PIN for the Inland Revenue website, and so couldn’t complete the self assessment in time… cue a £100 fine winging it’s way to me in some kind of reverse karma… I give £100 to charity and then have to give the fucking taxman another 100… oh well…
Was gonna work last night… ended up going out… for some reason everyone wanted to go to random pubs in the middle of nowhere… ended up drinking in some dodgy local pub for local people, then into Falmouth and a few in Wetherspoons… was ok except got to the stage where I wanted to get pissed… managed to behave myself though…
Oh yeah and threatened to sue some freemasons yesterday for not paying me… if I don’t post again it’s because they’ve taken their revenge…
Posted: February 2nd, 2006 under Life.
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